


Insecurity

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:01:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24170236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: it's angst and smut, basically, but it's got a happy ending
Relationships: Ichinose Tokiya/Jinguuji Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Insecurity

“I’ve been looking forward to this for a very long time.” Tokiya murmurs against Ren’s lips, before quieting down to kiss him again. He’s straddling Ren’s lap, and they’re in Tokiya’s bed. Otoya had moved out months ago, but Tokiya had kept the old room. It had been small for two people, but perfect for one- though when Ren had wormed his way into the apartment, Tokiya had to admit that maybe a tight home wasn’t _that_ bad. 

Ren hums happily, his hands on the outside of Tokiya’s thighs. “Tell me about it.”

This _was not_ the first time they had tried to go further than a makeout session. 

The first time, Otoya had dropped by, to pick up something he had forgotten. By the time he had left, almost two hours later- the mood was completely gone. 

The second time, they were just about to get each other out of their clothes, when Tokiya had stopped Ren with a red-faced confession that he just had the realization that he was completely unprepared. He had nothing they’d need to continue- and it did have to stop there. 

The third time, they had nearly gotten into it on the couch- but they were uncoordinated and just a little bit tipsy, and they had fallen off on the couch. When they had landed on the floor, they were both unharmed, but they had lost it- laughing hard enough that Tokiya had started crying, which had only made Ren laugh more. It certainly didn’t help set the mood.

This was the fourth attempt- but the fourth time was the charm, Tokiya supposed. 

The door was locked, and no one should possibly need them. 

Tokiya had all of the materials, and they were safe in the middle of the bed. And both of them had reached the point that if they landed on the floor, that’s where they’d be doing it.

Tokiya’s hands were cradling Ren’s face. 

He had seen quite the amount of skin from Ren- but he’d never seen Ren naked, and he’s never been in the situation where he could probably admire Ren’s body without seeming suspicious. It was hard just to get Ren into his room without raising suspicion- but they both used the excuse of being lonely. Otoya had moved into a larger apartment with multiple rooms, sharing it with Cecil, Natsuki and Syo. Masato had left, too, preferring to live alone. 

No one was surprised that Ren was lonely- but everyone was surprised that Tokiya was. Except Otoya. 

Otoya is the reason that Ren and Tokiya moved in with far less questions than they should have had- because Otoya knew that Tokiya didn’t actually like being entirely alone, but he knew that Tokiya would hate to live with another four people. 

Otoya was definitely one of the biggest supporters of Tokiya and Ren living together. 

Tokiya was happy. 

Tokiya’s kisses trail down to Ren’s jaw, pressing short, butterfly kisses up to Ren’s ear- nibbling on the shell of it. Ren’s breath hitches, and Tokiya can feel it when he lowers his hands to Ren’s chest. 

Tokiya was a virgin- and Ren hadn’t slept with nearly as many people as he acted like he did. 

Tokiya had asked how many notches Ren had in his bed, and he admitted that he had three- at most. All women, and all at an age that he was hesitant to admit to. But he was out of practice. 

“I don’t need to have sex to be the symbol of sex appeal, Toki.”

Tokiya was glad that Ren didn’t have much experience, if he were honest. It was easier to top Ren when Ren didn’t know what Tokiya was doing wrong. Ren _was_ a good teacher- but Tokiya didn’t want to be led through this.

Tokiya wanted to take care of Ren. 

Tokiya wanted to figure out just what made Ren tick, all by himself. Ren didn’t know his body through and through yet, and Tokiya was absolutely ecstatic to get to be the first person to figure out just what Ren really liked.

Tokiya brings his kisses down to Ren’s neck, enjoying the feeling of Ren’s heart hammering against Tokiya’s fingertips through his thin top. Tokiya nibbles on a soft, sensitive spot on Ren’s neck, careful to not leave marks, but to keep Ren from properly catching his breath at the same time. 

Tokiya rolls his hips forward, giving just enough friction to send a throb through Tokiya’s dick- and clearly Ren’s feeling something as well. Both men were wearing uncomfortably tight jeans, and Tokiya’s felt a size smaller with how tight they were now in the front.

Tokiya’s hand drops, running down Ren’s side, over his shirt- but Ren’s hand moves, catching Tokiya’s wrist just before Tokiya can slide it under Ren’s shirt. Ren uses the leverage to pull Tokiya a bit closer, to catch his lips in a kiss. 

He’s trying to be subtle, but Tokiya sees through it in an instant. 

Tokiya lets Ren finish the kiss, but when he pulls back, his expression is serious. Ren hasn’t let go of Tokiya’s wrist, but Tokiya turns his hand, to hold onto Ren’s wrist in return. “What’s wrong, darling?”

“There’s nothing wrong.” Ren’s reassurance comes far too quickly, and Tokiya frowns. The moment is fleeting- and they can both feel it, but Tokiya isn’t going to continue if he and Ren aren’t on the same page. 

“We both know that isn’t true.” Tokiya brings his free hand up to Ren’s face, brushing a stray piece of hair behind Ren’s ear, and then gently cupping his face. “If you aren’t ready for this, Ren, I can wait. I don’t want to continue unless you really want this.”

“Of course I want this.” Ren’s frown has grown as well.

“Then what’s wrong? Please don’t hide it from me.”

Ren’s jaw tightens, and Tokiya can feel Ren’s teeth grind under his hand. Ren’s eyes dart around, and Tokiya leans forward, to press his forehead against Ren’s. 

“Look at me, baby.” Tokiya’s voice is gentle- almost a coo. “You can tell me. There’s nothing you could tell me that could possibly change how much I adore you.”

Ren sighs, and his breath tickles Tokiya’s lips. “I’m nervous.” Ren admits quietly. Even as close as Tokiya is, he still notices Ren’s tongue, running over his lips. Tokiya can almost feel his own mouth go dry- and he can only imagine the nerves accompanying it. Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, even as Ren continues. “I know how confident I seem about my body but… I’m not.” Ren sighs again, his eyes closing. “I don’t like how I look. And I worry that you may not, either. I’d hate to disappoint.”

“You could never disappoint me, Ren.” Tokiya pulls back, to press a light kiss to the tip of Ren’s nose. “There is no way you could. I promise you with all of my heart that I will find you _more_ attractive than I already do- but the very last thing I want is to invalidate your feelings, baby, because I _do_ understand. I understand that just because I tell you that you are an incredible, beautiful, sexy person that doesn’t mean you’re going to just believe me. But I’d like to show you, darling. I’d like to try. And I’m alright taking it as slowly as you need me to.”

Ren sighs again, but this one feels lighter. His smile is still weighed down, but his eyes open to meet Tokiya’s. “You’re too sweet, Toki.”

“I try.” Tokiya’s voice is much more lighthearted, and he leans in to brush his lips against Ren’s. Tokiya’s fingertips drag along Ren’s wrist as he pulls his hand back, and it moves to Ren’s hair, his fingers running through it. His hair is soft, and it’s just as silky as it looks. It frames his face perfectly, especially as strands work themselves out of their hold behind his ears. “You’re absolutely gorgeous, Ren. I have no idea how I got this lucky. Will you let me show you how pretty I think you are, baby?”

Ren leans forward, to catch Tokiya in another kiss. It’s passionate, and it’s better than an ‘I love you’. They only pull away when they’re completely out of breath. Ren has to take a moment, his free hand moving back to Tokiya’s thigh, stroking them. It’s too fluid and insync- and it shows Ren’s nervousness. And then- Ren nods. “Alright.”

Tokiya can’t remember the last time that Ren had sounded so unsure- and it only made him want to shower Ren with as much affection as he could possibly manage. Tokiya presses another kiss to Ren’s lips- keeping it sweet. He pulls away, and his next kiss lands on Ren’s forehead, moving to his cheekbones, and down to his jaw. When he moves to Ren’s neck, it’s purely short, affectionate kisses- not lingering on any one spot too long. When Tokiya finally reaches Ren’s collarbone and is stopped by the neck of his shirt, he pulls back, and he takes one of Ren’s hands from his thigh, and he starts at Ren’s fingertips. He’d like to try to coax Ren out of his shirt, but he promised to take it slow, and he will. 

Tokiya presses soft kisses to Ren’s palm, before turning his hand to press kisses to the backs of his fingers and the back of his hand, moving to his wrist, and up his forearm, before repeating the process on the inside of his arm. He kisses up to Ren’s sleeve, and then he repeats the process with Ren’s other hand. 

Normally, when Tokiya thinks about Ren watching him this intently, he’d get nervous. There aren’t any nerves in him. 

His goal is to make Ren feel appreciated, and that’s exactly what he’s going to do- no matter what it takes. 

Tokiya pulls back, once he’s reached Ren’s sleeve once again, and he presses another short kiss to Ren’s lips. 

Ren’s gaze is something that Tokiya wishes he could engrain into his memory- and he was going to try his damndest to. His eyes are just a bit wider than usual, and his tanned face is flushed, his lips parted- just slightly. But it’s the _look_ in his eyes that gets to Tokiya, because it’s downright adoration. Tokiya’s approach may be simple, but it’s clearly affecting Ren, and in all of the right ways. 

“Can I get you out of your shirt, darling? I’d love to see you.” 

Tokiya had heard Ren say before that he slept naked- but it wasn’t something Tokiya had ever seen. They shared a bed, but both men slept clothed. Tokiya hadn’t had very many moments where it was obvious that Ren was insecure- but Tokiya knew Ren well. He had doubts, and he had them often. 

He was still heartbroken to know that he was right. 

Ren swallows, hard enough that Tokiya can see his throat move. Tokiya’s fingertips brush against the side of Ren’s neck, softly. He waits patiently for Ren’s answer- not rushing him with expressions or movements, either. Finally, Ren nods. 

Tokiya would have liked verbal confirmation- and if it were more than this, he’d require it. But this wasn’t an easy situation for Ren, and Tokiya understood that. If Ren asked him to stop, he would.

Tokiya leans back, enough to wrap his fingers into the bottom of Ren’s shirt. Tokiya is slow in removing it- but he maintains eye contact with Ren for most of it. Tokiya is reminded of unwrapping a present, and in a way, he feels like he is. 

When Ren’s shirt is off, and thrown on the floor, Tokiya is careful to limit just how much he takes Ren in. 

If he’s quiet for too long, whether he’s admiring Ren or not, he could easily make Ren feel nervous, and tonight is about Ren, and making Ren feel as stunning as Tokiya, and all of Ren’s fans, know that he is. 

So while Tokiya takes his long second to properly admire Ren, he’s encouraging him, too. 

“You’re beautiful, Ren. Absolutely, unbelievably beautiful. The textbook definition of a perfect man.” 

“Now you’re being a bit dramatic.” Ren’s breathless tone makes Tokiya flash him a fond smile. 

“Me? Dramatic? Never.” Tokiya’s voice is teasing, but then he leans forward, to brush his nose against Ren’s in an eskimo kiss. “But right now, Ren, I’m being completely and utterly honest.” Tokiya takes Ren’s hand, and he holds it over his pants. One look at Tokiya’s groin would be enough to tell that Tokiya is straining against his jeans, but he knows that Ren can feel the outline of Tokiya’s cock, pressing against the front of his pants. “This is all you, my darling.” Tokiya’s thumb strokes over the back of Ren’s hand, trying to resist bucking his hips up into Ren’s hand as Ren palms him through his jeans. “Because you are sexy, and hot, and everything that I could ever want. You are the most attractive man I have ever had the pleasure to meet, Ren- and I have you here, with me, in my bed. And I can see it in your eyes- that you wish this wasn’t a part of our night, but I want you to know that I love you. If I need to spend all night with you, telling you how pretty you are, and how much I love you, and how goddamn beautiful you are- I will. And I will happily do it because you _deserve it_. Being insecure about yourself is a terrible, horrible feeling- and I wish I had a better way to show you exactly how I see you, but I can’t. So this is all that I can do for you, and I’m going to do my best. You are loved, and appreciated, and you are sexy as all hell.” Tokiya runs his thumbs underneath Ren’s eyes, because Ren couldn’t help the tears forming in his eyes or falling down his cheeks. 

“I love you.” Ren’s voice is a whisper at best. 

This was a side of Ren that Tokiya didn’t often see- but he was glad to see it. He was absolutely not happy, to see Ren upset. To see Ren doubt himself. But to know that Ren is showing Tokiya his vulnerability, and giving Tokiya a chance to _help_ means the world to Tokiya. Tokiya kisses Ren- and it’s a rather short kiss, to make sure that Ren can still properly breathe, between the tears and the stuffy nose Tokiya imagines he probably has.

Tokiya starts back at Ren’s jaw, and he takes his time, to trail kisses down Ren’s neck. When he gets to Ren’s collarbone again, he splits off, to press soft kisses to Ren’s bare shoulders. He leans back, just a bit, to put his hands on Ren’s shoulders, and he massages them. Tokiya hums, “I’m going to have you scoot up for me, alright?” 

Tokiya climbs off of Ren, to slip behind him. Ren pushes himself forward, but he’s turning his head, to watch Tokiya. Tokiya moves behind Ren, leaving a bit of a gap between them, but stretching his legs out to either side of Ren. Tokiya leans forward, to press kisses down Ren’s back- but then he pulls away, and he starts at Ren’s shoulders again with his hand. His thumbs press into Ren’s shoulders, though he does have to focus on one of Ren’s shoulders when he finds a knot. Ren’s hands have found their way to Tokiya’s calves, and he squeezes gently. 

“You’re tense.” Tokiya mumbles. He pauses the massage, to press a kiss to the middle of Ren’s back. “And I understand. But I want to make you feel relaxed. The best that I can, anyways.”

“You’re doing wonderful, baby. Above and beyond. I can’t… I can’t even begin to express to you how well you’re doing.”

“I’m relieved to hear that.” Tokiya’s arms wrap around Ren’s chest, pressing his chest to Ren’s back. Tokiya’s thumbs stroke over Ren’s side. Tokiya nuzzles into the crook of Ren’s neck. “I just want to make you feel good, darling. Physically, _and_ about yourself.”

When Tokiya pulls back, he lets his hands brush over Ren’s chest. 

He spends a few more moments, working out knots and the like from Ren’s back- trying to work out the tension. When Ren seems more physically relaxed, Tokiya slips away from Ren. When Tokiya moves, back in front of Ren, Ren moves back further on the bed, but Tokiya stops him with a hand on his shoulder. “Lie down for me, darling.” 

Ren does, but he seems nervous. Tokiya moves, to hover over Ren. He kisses Ren, slow and soft, and begins to work his way back down- but this time he does continue down Ren’s chest. “You’re wonderful, Ren.” Tokiya reminds, pressing a kiss in the middle of Ren’s chest. “Completely beautiful.”

Tokiya focuses on not leaving a single inch of skin untouched, paying special attention to the spots that make Ren shiver- but careful to not overwhelm him. 

Tokiya spends extra time, kissing just above the waistline of Ren’s jeans. 

“Can I help you out of these baby?” 

Ren withdraws, just a bit- and Tokiya lifts himself back up, to press a soft, gentle kiss to Ren’s lips. 

“If you need time, I’ll wait.” Tokiya reassures. 

“If you kiss me anymore, your lips are going to fall off.” Ren sighs, his hand moving to run through Tokiya’s hair. 

“It would be worth it.” Tokiya grins- a look meant to be comforting. He isn’t sure if he’s hit it, but the amusement on Ren’s face is a good sign. 

Ren hesitates, his hand moving down to Tokiya’s face. “Are you sure you really want to see me naked? It might not be all you seem to think that it’s going to be.”

“If you’re willing to let me, then of course I want to. If we need to wait, I’ll wait. But if you want to continue, then I absolutely do as well.”

Ren chews on the bottom of his lip, his eyebrows furrowed, and then he nods. “Alright. Yeah.”

“You’re sure? I won’t think any less of you if you need time.”

“I’m sure.” Ren affirms, his voice a bit more firm. 

Tokiya presses a longer kiss to Ren’s lips. When he pulls away, he uses the same technique with Ren’s jeans that he had with his shirt- slow, but not slow enough to make Ren nervous. Tokiya is quick, with lifting Ren’s leg to press a kiss to his ankle. “I am absolutely not disappointed, Ren.” He promises. “I am unbelievably happy right now- with you, and every single part of you.”

Ren’s free foot bumps into Tokiya’s calf, and Tokiya looks up to smile at Ren. Another action meant to reassure- but that adoring expression is back on Ren’s face. Tokiya works on kissing up Ren’s calf, and when he reaches Ren’s knee- he switches legs. “You’re beautiful, Ren. I haven’t thought one single thing that wasn’t absolute praise for you yet.”

“You’re going to make me cry again, Toki.” Ren’s voice is breathless, teasing, and not that far from the truth. 

“Good tears, I hope.” Tokiya presses one last kiss to Ren’s knee, and he begins to kiss down Ren’s inner thigh. Tokiya stops when he gets near Ren’s cock, to switch to slow kisses down the other side of Ren’s thigh. 

“Are you going to be alright, if I go further, baby?” Tokiya pulls himself back up, pressed against Ren. 

“If you want me.” Ren seems a bit nervous. “But I have to ask that you’re slow with me. I’ve never been on this end, doll.”

“Of course. I promise I’ll take care of you, Ren.”

Ren’s hands lift, to hold onto Tokiya’s shirt. “You’re significantly more clothed than I am, Toki.”

“So I am.” Tokiya hums, pressing a kiss to the tip of Ren’s nose. “I’ll fix that in a moment.” He promises. “Let me get you all ready, and then I will.”

“Alright.” There’s a hint of uncertainty in his voice- but a different kind than he’s had thus far. 

“I love you.” Tokiya gently bumps his forehead against Ren’s, and Ren gives a soft, amused huff. 

“I love you, too.”

Tokiya had already set out the materials earlier- so it was simple to grab the small, travel sized bottle of lube. It was hard enough to get this, but Tokiya didn’t want to play around and get anything that might not work as well. 

He presses a kiss to Ren’s lips, and this one is longer. Tokiya’s free hand, not holding the bottle, travels lower, holding onto Ren’s side. When Tokiya pulls away, he sits up. 

Tokiya takes a long moment to warm the bottle of lube between his hands. It shouldn’t be freezing- but he wanted it to be warm. He wanted Ren to feel comfortable in a situation that was likely to be awkward, and a little uncomfortable. 

Tokiya had done quite a lot of research. He’d shudder, to imagine anyone looking through his search history- but he wasn’t going to do this wrong. 

Tokiya coats his hand with a generous amount of lubricant, and he positions himself in between Ren’s legs. He watches Ren’s face, to try to keep Ren at ease- and he wraps his hand around the base of Ren’s cock- a bit cautiously. 

Tokiya had only ever touched himself, but he was determined that his inexperience _would not_ ruin this. But since he had been dating Ren, he had gotten awfully experimental, trying to practice on himself. He had gotten as far as fingers, but doing it on himself wasn’t comfortable. He couldn’t find the right spot, and he was too tense, unsure if he were even doing it right. 

But based on Ren’s hitch of breath, and the bit of tongue poking out between his teeth, Tokiya is no longer worried. Tokiya had yet to really do anything, but it was clear that Ren was enjoying his touch. Tokiya’s first stroke is slow, used for the act of spreading some lubricant over the dry skin, to keep the friction from being uncomfortable. Ren lets out a low exhale, and Tokiya’s hand doesn’t stop. He chooses to keep the pace slow, his eyes sticking to Ren’s face. 

“Can I go a little further, baby?” Tokiya presses a kiss to the inside of Ren’s bent knee. He slows his hand on Ren’s cock, to try to give him more clarity of mind. 

Ren has to pause again, and Tokiya stays entirely still and patient, to let him think. When Ren reaches out, Tokiya uses his clean hand to hold onto Ren’s tightly, lacing their fingers together. Ren nods, and his jaw flexes, but he looks back at Tokiya and nods again. “You can.” He gives Tokiya an almost nervous, sheepish smile. Tokiya squeezes his hand.

“I’ll give you second, darling. I know it’s a strange thing, but you have to untense. I want this to be something you find pleasant.” 

Ren nods. Tokiya would like to run his hands over Ren’s sides, or along his leg, but Ren was still holding tightly to Tokiya’s clean hand. Tokiya moves the hand that’s still wrapped around Ren in a very slow stroke, and after a bit, Ren looks visibly relaxed enough for Tokiya to start. 

Tokiya’s hand was still covered in lube- he _had_ been quite generous with how much he had applied. It’s enough to start- and he could always go back if he needed more. 

Tokiya is slow with unwrapping his hand from Ren’s cock, but he moves his hand, pressing the tip of his index finger against Ren’s entrance. He rubs his fingers in a light circle. “Are you ready?”

Ren can’t help the light laugh- covering his slightly red face with his free hand. He tries to cover it with both of his hands, but Tokiya hasn’t let go. Tokiya moves up, not _concerned_ because there is a sheepish smile on Ren’s face- he’s flustered. But Tokiya’s face is fond. “You’re adorable, Ren.”

“You’re teasing me.”

“I’m not.”

“I think that’s worse.” Ren groans, but it’s light hearted. 

Tokiya stays level with Ren, to press butterfly kisses against his jaw, and he works his way up to nip at the shell of Ren’s ear. “What can I say?” Tokiya mumbles. “I’m running out of proper words to tell you just how wonderful you are.”

“You’re jumping around wildly.” Ren’s free hand moves, to land on Tokiya’s back, but his face is still red. 

“I haven’t lied to you, Ren. You are simultaneously the cutest, sexiest, prettiest man that I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

Ren stays quiet, but he lifts his head, to bury it in Tokiya’s shoulder. He grips tightly onto Tokiya, his fingers curled into Tokiya’s shirt. Tokiya stays there until Ren releases him. 

“I’m nearly prepped.” Ren’s voice is a bit weak. “And you’re still fully clothed.”

“Soon, my darling. I promise.”

Tokiya moves back, but he finally releases Ren’s hand, to add just a bit more lube to his hand from the bottle. Ren takes his hand back, as soon as he can. Tokiya can tell that Ren’s having some issues, keeping his body relaxed. 

Tokiya rubs another small circle into Ren’s skin. “Can I start, darling?”

Ren swallows hard again, but he nods. 

Tokiya is slow with the first finger. He doesn’t say anything about it- but Ren gave him less resistance than he had given himself, when he first started. He wonders if Ren’s experimented, too. “You’re doing well.” Tokiya assures. 

Ren’s voice sounds tired, but he gives Tokiya a small smile. “It’s only one finger, Toki.”

“Yes. But you’re still doing well. You’ve been doing so well all night, Ren. Thank you.”

“Is that really fair? To thank me? You’ve been taking care of me all night.”

“You’re always taking care of me. I am more than happy to return the favor, Ren.”

Tokiya’s finger curls, searching for something. When Ren’s hand tightens against Tokiya’s, Tokiya knows he’s found a good spot. Tokiya presses against it again- gentle, but it’s clear that it doesn’t matter much from the way that Ren’s squeezing his hand. Tokiya pulls his finger out of Ren, glancing back at Ren’s face, and Ren is breathing heavily already. Tokiya smiles at him. 

Tokiya focuses his attention downwards when he moves to two fingers. He’s slow, and he pauses, when he has them both fully in- and then he focuses on finding that spot again. He switches between hitting it, curling his fingers inside of Ren, and spreading them out. He’s careful with scissoring his fingers at first, because he’s sure it’s a stretch- but Ren takes it well. 

Tokiya lets him know. 

“You’re so pretty, baby.” Tokiya coos. “You’re so good.” 

Tokiya goes with two fingers for some time, and it isn’t long before he has Ren shaking underneath him, no longer able to keep his gasps quiet. 

Tokiya adds a third finger, slowing the pace again. Ren gets used to it, quickly, and his hips move to meet Tokiya’s hand. Tokiya is glad, to see Ren like this. To see Ren letting himself enjoy it. 

Tokiya leans forward, to kiss Ren, still three fingers deep. 

Tokiya hits that sensitive spot in Ren a few times, in quick succession, and Ren lets out a low whine and his hips snap up. His grip tightens on Tokiya’s hand, and Tokiya can feel a wet spot, spreading on his shirt and sticking to Ren’s stomach. 

It’s the look on Ren’s face that does it for him- Ren’s eyes are lidded and his hair is spread beautifully around his face, framing it like a halo. His free hand is holding tightly onto Tokiya- and Tokiya notices that there isn’t uncertainty. That he looks comfortable- a bit tired, of course, but Ren is lying underneath Tokiya and it doesn’t seem like he’s thinking about anything but Tokiya, and the feelings Tokiya’s just made him feel. 

Tokiya carefully pulls his fingers out of Ren. 

“You were beyond amazing, Ren.” Tokiya presses a kiss to Ren’s jaw. “You’re so good.”

Ren hasn’t let go of Tokiya, and Tokiya lets him hold on for a long minute, before he sighs. “I should clean us up, baby. I’ll be right back.”

Tokiya heads into the bathroom, to return with a wet cloth. He’s quick, to clean up Ren’s stomach, and he rubs over Ren’s side. “Gorgeous.” 

Tokiya pecks Ren’s lips, and Ren doesn’t stop him when Tokiya goes to discard of the rag- but Tokiya stops by the dresser and heads into the bathroom. Ren frowns, when Tokiya walks out of the bathroom in a sweater and pants. Tokiya goes to work the blankets out from under Ren when he’s stopped- “Toki- I appreciate everything you’ve done for tonight, but you’ve gotten _nothing_.”

“I’m fine, Ren.” Tokiya assures, pressing a kiss to Ren’s forehead. Ren doesn’t let him pull back very far. 

“That’s not fair to you, Tokiya.”

Tokiya’s smile is dry. “Unfortunately, I mean it, Ren. I’m afraid that the only disappointment tonight is me.” Tokiya closes his eyes, and he sighs. “There’s a giant wet spot on the front of my jeans. I… was a bit… _premature_.” 

“Oh, Toki.” Ren frowns. 

“I’m sorry, Ren.”

“No, no. Don’t be, please.” Ren sits himself up, letting Tokiya straighten. “There’s no need to be sorry, baby. You just seem upset over it.”

Tokiya gives a weak, but almost teasing smile. “I’m… extremely disappointed. That I lasted that short of a time- but if that isn’t enough to let you know just how attractive you really are, I don’t know what will.” 

Ren sighs, but he’s sat up, and he wraps Tokiya tightly in his arms. Tokiya returns the hug. “Why don’t we lie down?” Tokiya mumbles. 

Ren lets Tokiya go, but he just scoots over in the bed, so that Tokiya can join him. Before Ren can grab Tokiya, Tokiya grabs Ren, holding him tightly to himself. 

“If you want to wait- if you’d like to go for a round two, baby, we could.” Ren offers. 

“We should go easy for our first time.” Tokiya’s thumb is rubbing over Ren’s shoulder. He’s privately glad, that Ren hadn’t chosen to put on clothes. “I’m alright, Ren. Please don’t worry about me. It wasn’t… the way I’d like to have finished- but we both finished, in the end. The first time is never going to be perfect.”

“You know, baby- for all of your talk about inexperience, I’d never know.” 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Tokiya is wrapped tightly around Ren, his leg tangling between Ren’s. “How are you feeling baby?”

Ren gets quiet for a long moment. “You helped.” He finally settles on. “I wish I could say that one good night turned my feelings around completely- but I’m afraid it’s not that easy. I’m not… I’m not going to be able to change my personal opinions on myself- but I’m not uncomfortable right now. I’m not uncomfortable, the way I was when we started. I’m not sure that I’m going to start parading around the apartment naked, but I think it will be easier. The next time we do this.”

“I know I can’t _change_ your feelings. Of course, I’m going to keep trying to get you to be kinder to yourself. But to hear that I’ve made you at least a bit more comfortable around me means that I’ve done something right.”

Tokiya presses a kiss to Ren’s forehead, and he then pulls Ren closer to himself. Ren’s arms wrap tighter around Tokiya. 

After that night, Ren actually does start sleeping without a shirt. Tokiya had immediately taken to it, wrapping Ren up in an embrace and kissing over the center of his chest. “You are the absolute embodiment of the perfect man, Ren.”

Ren laughs, but Tokiya can see the pink brushing his cheeks. “You’re too sweet, baby.”

“I’m only telling you the truth.”

Tokiya was always more than happy to get his hands on Ren- but nearly a month later, Ren still hadn’t gotten to do the same. 

Ren’s arms wrap around Tokiya’s waist. “Hey, baby.” He nuzzles into the crook of Tokiya’s neck. “We have tonight, just to ourselves.”

“So we do.” Tokiya hums. 

“If you’d like to, I want to try to go all the way with you tonight.” 

“If that’s what you’d like, then of course I’d like to.” 

Ren hums back, squeezing Tokiya tightly. “I’d like to take control of tonight. Consider it a thank you for last time.”

“...Alright.” 

“Is it?” Ren’s head lands on Tokiya’s shoulder, trying to see Tokiya’s face. “You don’t sound very enthused.”

“I have nothing against you taking control, Ren, I’m just… nervous.”

“You can still top me, baby. If that’s what you’re worried about.” When Tokiya falls silent, Ren rubs Tokiya’s side. “I think I might have some idea as to what’s going on, Toki. But I think it would be best to talk about it tonight- when there’s something we can do about it.”

Tokiya nods. 

Tokiya pulls himself together that afternoon, to do his work, but when he gets home, Ren meets him with a home cooked meal, and Tokiya’s expression softens. Ren greets him with a kiss as soon as the door closes. 

“You made my night special, so I’m going to do the exact same for you, baby.”

Tokiya wraps Ren in a tight hug, burying his face in Ren’s shoulder. 

That afternoon had been difficult, and there, admittedly, had been a lot of nerves for tonight. When Tokiya doesn’t let go of his hold on Ren, Ren begins to rub Tokiya’s back. “Are you alright, my love?”

“I’m alright.” Tokiya mumbles into Ren’s shoulder. 

“If you’re not feeling it, baby, we could always just watch a movie and cuddle on the couch.”

“I’ll be alright.” Tokiya insists. “I like being intimate with you.”

“Let’s eat first. If you feel like you can’t, at any point tonight, please let me know, baby.”

“I will.” Tokiya slowly pulls back from Ren, but Ren rubs Tokiya’s back, pecking his cheek. They make their way to the table, where Ren had already set the food up. His work had been much shorter today than Tokiya’s- only needing to record a few lines for an audio CD, so he had plenty of time to make a nice dinner. 

Tokiya smiles, despite himself, when he notices Ren adding extra pepper flakes to his own plate. When Tokiya tries his own meal- some type of soup, there’s hardly any heat to it- which Tokiya appreciates. He certainly couldn’t handle spice like Ren could. 

Dinner is nice, and Tokiya insists on doing the dishes. He’s quiet, as he does them- his nerves reappearing, and he’s out of it- enough that a wet plate slips from his grasp, and breaks as it hits the floor. Ren is immediately alerted, and by the time he’s made his way to the kitchen, Tokiya is bent over the counter with his head in his hands. 

“Are you hurt?” Ren is alarmed, carefully avoiding plate shards to make his way to Tokiya. He makes Tokiya straighten his arms, so that Ren can check over his hands and wrists. 

“I’m not.” Tokiya says quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Accidents happen baby. It’s okay. Here, watch your step, alright? I’ll clean it up.” Ren helps Tokiya step away from the kitchen, and he presses a kiss to Tokiya’s temple. Tokiya wants to offer to clean it- but he hangs his head instead. He feels ashamed, at his incompetence. Ren hugs him tightly from the side. “Don’t beat yourself up, doll.”

“We don’t have a lot of plates.” Tokiya says weakly, and Ren sighs. 

“That shouldn’t be your biggest concern.” Ren presses another kiss to Tokiya’s temple. “But I would like to make sure you didn’t cut up your legs, once I’ve finished cleaning up.” 

“I can check.” Tokiya mumbles, squeezing Ren’s arm. “I really don’t think that I did.”

Ren sighs, but he squeezes Tokiya again and lets him go with a firm reminder. “If you find anything, let me know.”

Tokiya nods, and he moves into the bathroom. He’s out by the time that Ren is done cleaning the glass from the floor. At least Tokiya had been nearly done with dishes- enough that Ren insists they don’t bother with the rest.

“Were you alright?” 

“I had one or two knicks towards my ankles, but that’s the worst of it. Not even bandage worthy.”

Ren moves closer to Tokiya, and he holds onto him tightly. “Would you rather tonight be a couch and cuddle night?”

“I’ve… I’ve gotten myself worked up over tonight.” Tokiya admits. “I’ll have acted like an idiot for nothing if I back out now.”

Ren sighs. “I’m not sure that’s the reason we should sleep together, Toki.”

“It’s not that.” Tokiya is almost frustrated, stemming from his embarrassment. I do want to be intimate with you. I really do. I’m just… I’m nervous. That’s all.”

“You don’t need to be, Toki.” Ren rubs Tokiya’s back. “We’ll go slow, and you can stop me if you’re not comfortable.”

Tokiya is quiet for a few seconds. “Alright. But I’m taking a shower first.” 

“Do you want me to join you?”

“It’d be safer if you didn’t. Our shower is small.”

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is softer. “Why don’t you want to get undressed in front of me? I’m not going to judge you for any answer you give me- but I want a real one.”

“I told you I understand why you’re insecure, and I do. But I was just as surprised, too, because you’re about as perfect as I think any one person can get, and I just don’t compare. I don’t think I’m uncomfortable with myself in the way I know you are- it… it isn’t that I hate my body, it’s that I can’t help but compare myself to you, and I’m just… I’m not on your level. But up until the point that you’ve actually seen me- it’s easier to hide.”

Ren is silent for a long moment. “I’d like to dispel that, if you’d let me.”

“I’m not sure I deserve to.” Tokiya admits. 

“Toki-” Ren’s grip tightens. “I can’t think of anything to tell you that you haven’t already told me. Everything you said was exactly right- and it’s not easy to follow, but I wish you’d try. The art of practicing what you preach.”

“I can’t follow my own advice.” 

“If you can’t, then how can I?”

Tokiya’s frown is deep. “You’re better than I am, Ren.”

Ren pulls away, to cup Tokiya’s face in his hands. “You told me that you wished I could see myself through your eyes- and I’m in exactly the same place right now, Toki. I personally don’t think you should hold me on as high of a pedestal as you do- but I can _promise_ you that you are _not_ lesser than me, in any way. I want to show you that you deserve this, and to show _you_ just how lovely you are, Toki. That you are worth everything. Will you let me?”

Tokiya swallows hard. If Ren weren’t holding onto his face, he’d nod- but with the immobility, he’s forced to be vocal. “Okay.”

Ren leans in, to softly kiss Tokiya. “How would you be more comfortable starting?”

“I need to take a shower. I… let me take it alone- and then I’ll just… jump in. All at once.”

“Are you sure?”

“That’s going to be the easiest way, I think.”

“If you’re sure.” Ren presses a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “If you change your mind, we can always move slower. I’ll leave this up to you, baby.” 

Tokiya swallows, and he nods after Ren drops his hands. 

It’s actually only about two minutes later, when Tokiya sticks his head out of the bathroom, and while he’s mostly hidden behind the door, Ren can tell that he’s at least not wearing a shirt. He looks nervous. “Ren, could you come here for a moment?”

Ren does, though he doesn’t enter the bathroom yet. “I was about to get into the shower.” Tokiya’s hand tightens against the door. “And I noticed a cut. It’s on the back of my calf and I’m having trouble seeing it properly.” Ren barely stops himself, about to just enter the bathroom, but he does stop, his own hand moving onto the door as well, just above Tokiya’s. 

“Then I’d like to check it. Can I come in?”

“I’m not… I’m not wearing anything.” Tokiya’s face turns a bit red. “Should I put something on?”

“I’ll leave that up to you, baby.” 

After a second, Tokiya steps back, but he leaves the door open. He moves to the toilet, but he hunches over, resting his hands in his lap. Ren enters. “What leg is it?”

Tokiya straightens the leg, and Ren gets him to shift on the toilet seat so that he can take care of the wound. 

Ren sighs in relief when he sees it. “You had me worried there- but it’s just a scratch.” Ren stands, to dig under the sink for a second, and he comes back with an antiseptic wipe and a band-aid with a little bear on it. He crouches back down, and he takes care of it- and when the bandaid is on, he presses a kiss against it and smiles softly at Tokiya. 

Ren stands, and Tokiya hesitates, but he then catches Ren’s wrist. He hasn’t made up his mind on what he wants to ask, so he just squeezes Ren’s wrist. 

“What’s wrong, honey?” 

“I-” Tokiya lets go of Ren’s wrist. “Nevermind.”

Ren sighs, but he pets through Tokiya’s hair. “Alright.”

Ren is almost out of the door when Tokiya finally speaks. “You- I… don’t mind, if you’d like to stay.”

Tokiya gets a soft smile, and Ren moves over, to kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “I would love to- but if you’re not ready yet, it’s perfectly alright darling.”

“I want this.” Tokiya insists. His voice doesn’t exactly make Ren confident in it, but Tokiya has made up his mind.

“Alright, baby.” Ren’s hand moves to Tokiya’s cheek, stroking it. He moves back, to start the shower and then to get out of his clothes. His shirt is easier- and much easier than it had been the first time he’d taken it off, but he does have to pause, getting further undressed. 

Tokiya swallows hard, when he sees how Ren is reacting, and Tokiya forces himself to stand, wrapping his arms tightly around Ren from behind. His head is turned, and Ren can’t see Tokiya’s expression in the mirror, but it’s clear that Tokiya is trying to comfort him. 

Ren’s hand drops, to Tokiya’s, over his stomach, and he runs his thumb over Tokiya’s knuckles. He brings Tokiya’s hand up, to press his lips against the back of Tokiya’s fingers.

Tokiya is slow to pull back, but when he does, Ren finishes undressing. Tokiya has made his way back to the toilet seat, returning to covering what he could as subtly as he could- though Ren could see right through it. 

“The water should be ready, baby.” 

Tokiya nods. Ren’s hand rubs over his back, and Tokiya curls in on himself further. 

Ren hadn’t gotten a good look at Tokiya yet- and not because he hadn’t wanted to. He didn’t want to make Tokiya uncomfortable. Ren wishes Tokiya were willing to go slower- because he thinks that’s what Tokiya really needs. He thinks that Tokiya’s trying to push himself, and Ren can only do what he can. 

“I’m sorry, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Ren tucks a finger underneath Tokiya’s chin and lifts his head.

“Why are you apologizing, honey?”

Ren is careful to only look at Tokiya’s face. 

“I… I know I’m really hypocritical, and dramatic, on top of it.”

“You can be awfully dramatic.” Ren agrees. “But I do understand this, Toki. And I think you’re moving faster than you’re comfortable.”

“I have to move fast.” Tokiya closes his eyes. “Or I’ll go back on my decision. If I give myself time to change my mind, I will.”

Ren gets quiet for a long second, and then he sighs, his eyebrows furrowing. “I want you to be comfortable with me- and I know it’s going to take some work, baby. But if you’re really not ready-”

“I am.” Tokiya cuts Ren off, though his voice is still quiet. “I want to do this.”

Ren pauses, but then he nods. “The water’s going to be cold soon. Are you sure you’d like me to join you right now?”

Tokiya swallows hard. “Yes.”

Ren moves his hand from under Tokiya’s chin, and Tokiya stands. He’s still hunched in on himself, but Ren lets him move into the shower first, rubbing Tokiya’s back comfortingly as he passes. 

Ren moves behind him in the shower, and that does seem to make Tokiya relax, just a bit. 

The shower is short- both men genuinely focused on just getting clean and getting out. 

It turned almost domestic, in Tokiya’s opinion- because Ren had helped Tokiya with reaching the parts of his back Tokiya couldn’t quite reach, and Tokiya had helped Ren with putting shampoo in his hair. 

The nerves had actually mostly left, when they were in the shower. 

“The water’s cold, Toki.” Ren mumbles, wrapping his arms around Tokiya’s waist. 

“I don’t want to leave.” Tokiya’s voice is hard to hear, over the water, and Ren’s nose presses to the corner of Tokiya’s jaw. 

“Why not?”

“I’m… I-” Tokiya holds onto Ren’s hands, moving them higher, prompting Ren to hug him tighter. “I’m comfortable. And I didn’t think I’d be able to be, but I feel that it’s going to feel different, when I’m out.”

“You overthink things, baby.” Ren says, though there’s an almost sad edge to his voice. “But I have an idea I want to try.”

“...Alright.” 

When they get out, Ren wraps Tokiya’s towel around him before he takes his own. Ren takes his hair towel, and ruffles Tokiya’s hair with first, getting his hair mostly dry before Ren begins to dry off his own. 

Tokiya was fast with drying himself off, his nerves slowly beginning to return. He waits, for Ren to almost be done, and then he moves to hug Ren from behind. 

“I’m going to take good care of you, Toki.” Ren promises, lifting one of Tokiya’s hands to kiss his knuckles. “I know you’re nervous, but it’s going to be okay.”

When they’re dry, they make their way to their bed. Ren had tightly braided his hair, to avoid waiting the hour it would take to properly dry by leaving it down.

Ren coaxes Tokiya onto the bed, and he leans over Tokiya, to press a soft, slow kiss against Tokiya’s lips. Tokiya’s hold on Ren’s arm is just a bit too tight, revealing his returned nervousness. 

“I had an idea. I want to hear your thoughts on it, baby.” Ren’s hand moves, to brush through the hair above Tokiya’s ear. Tokiya watches Ren, listening. “I want to blindfold you.”

Tokiya can’t help the surprised laugh. “Huh?”

Ren smiles, almost a little bit sheepishly. “Hear me out.” Tokiya raises an eyebrow, but he does. “I think it might help. And if it doesn’t, you can always remove it, at any time you want. And I don’t want to keep you blindfolded the entire time-” Ren rubs his nose against Tokiya’s. “I just think it might help to make you a little more comfortable.”

“I’ll… try it. If you think it will help.”

Ren kisses Tokiya again, playfully nipping at Tokiya’s bottom lip before he pulls away. “If you decide that you don’t like it, you can always take it off.” 

Ren gets out of the bed, to move over to his drawer. He takes a moment, deciding on which tie to use, and he comes over with a silk tie. He keeps it loose, but tight enough to stay. 

Tokiya feels the bed shift as Ren climbs on the bed, over him. Ren kisses Tokiya, slow and sweet, and he makes his way down to Tokiya’s jaw. 

Ren pulls away, lifting himself up to get his first proper view of Tokiya, running his hand along Tokiya’s side. “You don’t need to compare yourself to _anyone_ Toki. Especially not to me. You are beautiful, Tokiya, and I am so happy to have you in front of me.”

“I think you might be biased.” Tokiya mumbles. “I’m not sure that you should be glad about that.” 

Tokiya could have said more on the topic, but Ren kisses him to shut him up. “I want to add another rule to our night.” Ren’s voice is gentle. “I’d like it if you’d listen. I can say as many _true_ nice things as I’d like- but if you dispute all of them, none of it will matter. It’s hard to believe- but I need you to keep an open mind, doll. For me?”

Tokiya bites down on his lip, but he nods. “I’ll… try my best.”

“That’s all I can ask.”

Ren moves to Tokiya’s shoulder, “I just want to try to show you exactly what you deserve, baby.” Ren kisses further down Tokiya’s body between every sentence. “And that’s to feel good.” He moves to Tokiya’s collarbone. “I want to make you feel just as loved as you made me feel.” This kiss lands on the center of Tokiya’s chest. “You have all of these negative perceptions of yourself, and you don’t deserve to feel that poorly, darling.” He’s moved down to Tokiya’s stomach, but one of his hands finds Tokiya’s, the other landing on Tokiya’s hip. “So even if it’s just for tonight, I’d love it if you’d let me make you feel as special and important as I feel like you are. You love to worry about me, and I appreciate it more than I could ever truly let you know- but I want to take care of you, too.” Ren moves down, moving to the inside of Tokiya’s thigh. This is the place he spends the most time on yet, pressing soft kisses from his knee to his hip. The soft noise Tokiya makes is almost like a whimper, and Ren nuzzles against Tokiya’s thigh. “Are you alright?”

“I am.” Tokiya’s voice is thick with emotion. “It’s just… a lot. And not in a bad way.”

Tokiya can’t see Ren’s smile- but he thinks that he knows that it’s there.

Ren moves, to kiss down Tokiya’s other thigh, his fingers brushing the outside of it. “You know-” Ren mumbles, just loud enough for Tokiya to hear him. “I think an important thing to remember is that all of the wonderful comments we make about each other can be true at the same time. You told me that you felt I was as close to perfect as someone could get- and I think exactly the same of you. I don’t expect you to just accept everything I tell you as fact, because negative thoughts aren’t built or changed in a day- and I hope you don’t expect the same of me, either. But I hope that you don’t use your compliments to me to put yourself down, either. We’re meant to help each other grow, baby. I don’t want to get better if you’re putting yourself down to help raise me up.”

Tokiya reaches out, and Ren goes, moving back up to hover over Tokiya. Tokiya uses the hand that hasn’t landed on Ren’s shoulder to remove the blindfold, and he cradles Ren’s face in his hands, pulling him down into a soft kiss. When they pull back, Tokiya pulls Ren down, wrapping his arms around Ren’s chest in a hug. 

“You’re worth much more than you think you are, Toki.” Ren says softly. “And I think that if we can both keep an open mind, we can both work to improve. But I can’t move forward if you won’t move with me.”

Tokiya buries his head in the crook of Ren’s neck, and his voice breaks when he speaks. “I’ll try.” Tokiya promises quietly. “I’ll try my best.”

“Do you want to go further tonight, baby?” 

Tokiya gives a small nod. “I do. But I- it’s… it’s nothing against you, but I… could I top?”

“Of course you can, baby. If you’re never comfortable bottoming, that’s not going to be an issue.” Ren urges Tokiya to lean back, enough that Ren can kiss the top of his head. 

“I’d like to come around to it, eventually.” Tokiya mumbles. “I’m just… not sure I’m ready for that yet.”

“And there’s absolutely no shame in that. I have no problems waiting until you’re ready to do that, Toki.”

“And you’re really alright with it?” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. “I don’t want to make you feel like you have to because I can’t.”

“I am.” Ren affirms, giving Tokiya a fond smile. “It’s a bit nerve-wracking, but I do want to do this.”

“I’ll try to behave better than a teenage boy this time.” Tokiya flushes red at the memory, and Ren gives a low chuckle, kissing Tokiya. 

When he pulls back, he presses another kiss to the tip of Tokiya’s nose. “I didn’t last very long either, last time. There’s no shame in that either, baby. And we both have the day off tomorrow, anyways. If it happens again, we can always wait and go a second round.”

“God I hope it doesn’t happen again.” Tokiya groan gets Ren to chuckle, nudging the corner of Tokiya’s jaw with his nose. 

“I’m going to get off of you to get the supplies, alright?”

“I suppose that’s probably important.” Tokiya mumbles, unwrapping his arms from Ren. 

“I’ll be quick about it.”

Ren is. Though he sees Tokiya’s position change a bit when he moves, Tokiya’s legs moving, his shoulders hunching just slightly. He’s trying to be subtle- but Ren can see through it. He drops the things on the side of the bed, and he presses a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. 

“Do you need more time?” Ren asks softly, his hand rubbing Tokiya’s side. “You look uncomfortable, darling.”

“I’m fine.” Tokiya gives a slightly sheepish smile, though it falls, and his lips curve into a slight frown. “I’m sure you, unfortunately, know this feeling well- but I… I can hardly look at _myself_ naked. It just _feels_ unnatural. Even in front of you. You’ve made it clear that you’re not judging me, and I know that- I just…”

“It’s a very difficult adjustment.” Ren says quietly. “I know.”

“I don’t know how you did it.” Tokiya says, his voice frustrated. “You told me not to fight you on things- but I just… I have no idea how you managed to accept what I said. Even if you couldn’t truly internalize it- just to listen to it without refuting it…”

Ren sighs, and he moves, to press his forehead to Tokiya’s. “My problem is with my body, baby. I’m afraid that your problem is with _you_. That’s why I blindfolded you. I was hoping it would help you focus less on what you thought _I was thinking about you_ and more on what _you were feeling._ I thought maybe if you heard my words as they were that they might stick better- or that you may doubt them less. Of course it’s hard for me to believe that you see me in a way that’s different than myself. I think that everyone sees me the way that I do- and it’s not _only_ my appearance- but… that’s the largest part of it, for me.” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “Unfortunately, for you, I believe that’s how you feel about yourself in your entirety. And it’s hard to escape yourself and your thoughts.”

Tokiya’s quiet for a very long moment, and when he finally exhales, it shakes on the way out. 

“I’m… I’m sorry, Ren. I’m not sure if I can keep going right now. I’m sorry to disappoint you again.”

“Hey, hey, you didn’t, baby. You’re not disappointing me.” Ren kisses Tokiya. It’s short- just enough to get the reassurance across. “Never. There’s a lot that we both need to work through. I think, a lot of the times, sex _should_ be emotional- but there’s nothing wrong with it getting too much. It’s meant to be pleasurable, too, and if you’re not in the right headspace, you shouldn’t push yourself.” He presses a soft kiss to the tip of Tokiya’s nose. “And I’d much rather prioritize feelings over sex in our relationship. I love being intimate with you, and the thought of it- but I want to see you happy, first.”

Tokiya’s hands hold onto Ren where they can- one on his arm, and one on his shoulder. “Can we cuddle on the couch?” Tokiya’s voice is soft. A murmur, at best. 

“Of course we can.” Ren smiles at him, and Tokiya’s thumb runs over his shoulder. 

“I’d-” Tokiya glances away, his cheeks flushing a bit red. “I’d like to stay undressed. ...Exposure therapy, I suppose.”

Ren gives a low chuckle, but he squeezes Tokiya’s hip. “We can do that.”

When Ren gets up, Tokiya gets up, too. Ren grabs the remote before he sits on the couch, and this time, Tokiya curls into Ren’s side and Ren’s arm wraps around Tokiya’s shoulders. Tokiya still curls in on himself, a bit more than he should, but less than twenty minutes into cuddling, he’s relaxed. 

When they sleep that night, neither man gets redressed. 

It’s a week later, when Tokiya finds himself on top of Ren. 

Their foreplay had certainly gone on for some time- no faster than both times before, but Tokiya had just finished prepping Ren, and neither man had yet to climax- so it was going smoother than their first time already. 

Tokiya had one arm on the bed, holding himself up, and the other was wrapped around his cock, positioned against Ren’s entrance. 

They had been spending nights leading up to this unclothed- spending time after dinner naked, to try to get comfortable. Ren, who had started adjusting before Tokiya had, was quicker to become more comfortable, but Tokiya did come around to it. 

There were still nerves- nerves to perform well, but their foreplay had been much less comfort and much more _foreplay_. Tokiya had told Ren that he was beautiful- but it was solely for the fact that he was. He wasn’t _convincing_ him, he was telling him. Tokiya’s nose brushes over Ren’s collarbone. 

“Are you ready, darling?”

“I am.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s bicep. “Just take it slow for me, baby.”

“Of course.” Tokiya keeps it slow, when he enters Ren. He kisses him, trying to get him to relax when he notices Ren’s wince. He stills, when he’s almost fully inside of Ren, and his hand lifts, to fully support himself over Ren. He kisses Ren again, before moving to his neck. Ren gives himself a long moment to adjust, and then his hand runs over Tokiya’s back. 

“You can move. I’m ready.” 

Tokiya moves his focus from Ren’s neck back to his lips, and as he pulls his hips back away from Ren, he runs his tongue over Ren’s bottom lip. Ren’s lips part, and Tokiya’s tongue moves into Ren’s mouth as his hips press forward, moving slow and steady. 

Tokiya can’t help his low moan, when his hips are pressed against Ren’s again. He rocks his hips, creating friction against Ren’s own erection, and getting a pretty sounding moan from Ren. Ren’s hands are on Tokiya’s back, holding Tokiya as close as he can without keeping Tokiya completely pinned to himself. When Tokiya pulls back, panting, Ren lets out a contented hum. 

“How are you feeling?” Tokiya mumbles, pressing a kiss to the side of Ren’s mouth. 

“Full.” Ren admits. “And it’s strange- but it’s nothing bad. You’re doing good, baby.”

“I haven’t even started.” Tokiya gives a low chuckle, rocking his hips into Ren and getting a low groan. Tokiya feels Ren’s legs lift, to wrap around Tokiya’s waist, and Ren gives Tokiya a smirk. 

“I guess you’d better get started then, hmm?”

Tokiya grins back, bumping his nose against Ren’s playfully, letting out a teasing ‘hmph’ that’s lightened further by his smile. “You sure you’re ready for this, baby?” 

Ren grins back, and it’s a pretty sight, combined with his hair, framing his face beautifully, his bang hanging lazily under his eye. Ren’s legs tighten around Tokiya’s waist and he hums. “I’ve never been more ready, babe.”

Tokiya presses his lips to Ren’s as he rocks his hips, and Ren groans into the kiss. Tokiya pulls back from the kiss before he moves his hips back, to watch Ren’s face when he slides back in. When Ren’s hips snap up, meeting Tokiya’s slow thrust, Tokiya can’t help his moan. 

This wasn’t anything like Tokiya would have expected- but it was so, so much better. He couldn’t think of anything that felt better than being inside of Ren.

“Jesus, baby-” Tokiya’s voice is almost a pant. He has to drop his head, to nuzzle into the crook of Ren’s neck. “I love you. You feel so good, Ren.”

Ren’s hum is deep, and he’s clearly not unaffected. “You’re doing so well, baby.” Ren purrs. “There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing.” Ren gives a cheeky grin. “No one else, either.” 

Tokiya can’t help but laugh, and it makes Ren laugh too. 

“I love you, too, Toki.” Ren’s voice is so soft, his arms wrapping tightly around Tokiya. 

Ren does have to loosen his grip on Tokiya, when Tokiya starts moving again- though Tokiya’s expression becomes very focused, looking at Ren’s face as he moves. If Tokiya weren’t actively fucking him- Ren would ask him about it. And then Ren’s eyes flutter shut for a moment, a low moan exiting straight from his chest as Tokiya hits a spot that makes Ren taste static, and when Ren’s eyes refocus on Tokiya’s face- he looks smug. 

“Am I making you feel good, baby?” Tokiya’s grin matches his smug expression. Ren has to take a second to respond when Tokiya nails the same spot again. His voice is breathless when he can finally speak. 

“Do you need to ask?”

Tokiya’s smile is cheeky, but he leans down, nipping at Ren’s bottom lip. When he moves to actually kiss Ren, he thrusts forward into the same spot, delighting in Ren’s moan against his lips. 

“Oh, Toki-” Ren’s voice is low, sultry moan and Tokiya’s responding noise is almost a whine, listening to Ren. 

“Baby, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can last much longer.” Tokiya mumbles, ducking his head to kiss Ren’s shoulder. 

Ren’s legs tighten on Tokiya, just as his hips move forward, pressing and holding Tokiya tighter into Ren, and Ren’s head curls up, his cheek pressing to Tokiya’s hair. He breathes out, and his voice breaks in the best kind of way. “Will you touch me, Toki?”

Tokiya’s hand moves in between their bodies, his slender fingers wrapping around the base of Ren’s cock. Ren’s legs loosen just enough for Tokiya to keep thrusting, and Tokiya tries his best to match his strokes with the movement of his hips. When he’s close, he presses his lips to Ren’s- and Ren’s hips lift, his legs tightening around Tokiya’s waist to hold him closer. It makes Tokiya’s hand movements stutter, sending Ren over the edge at the same time as Tokiya. 

Ren moans- one of the most attractive sounds that Tokiya’s ever heard. It makes him proud, knowing that _he_ caused it. Tokiya is panting, his arms struggling to keep himself held above Ren- but then Ren not-so-subtly knocks Tokiya’s arm out from under him to bring Tokiya down the two inches he had above Ren. 

Tokiya’s voice is breathless. “If you don’t me up, darling, it’s going to be a minute before I move.”

“Good.” Ren mumbles, his arms wrapping more firmly against Tokiya’s chest. “I want you right here.”

“Aren’t I heavy?”

“No.” Ren’s nose presses against the side of Tokiya’s head, humming happily. “You’re more like a blanket. Only more comfortable.”

Tokiya gives a tired snort- but he’s contented, resting on Ren. He gives it a few minutes, and then sighs. “I have to get up, my love. We have to get cleaned up, and then we can cuddle.”

“I’m only letting you up because I do feel gross.” Ren’s nose crinkles, and Tokiya chuckles. He presses a kiss to the tip of Ren’s nose, and then he forces himself up. He pulls out, trying to be gentle, but Ren winces. When Tokiya is completely out of Ren, he strokes Ren’s cheek with his clean hand. 

“I’m sorry, Ren. Are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine.” Ren catches Tokiya’s hand, pressing a kiss to his fingertips, and then he gives Tokiya a grin that gets Tokiya to narrow his eyes. “You could always kiss it better.” 

Tokiya scoffs, shaking his head at Ren, and Ren’s laughter is loud and bright, especially as Tokiya’s face turns red. “I need to clean us up.” Tokiya rolls to his back, and then he sighs. 

He had been extremely nervous- almost the entire time. He hadn’t let Ren onto that, of course, although he thinks Ren might have known anyways. He didn’t want to get up at all. 

Ren chuckles, turning his head to look at Tokiya. “I can take care of it, doll.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I had it easier than you did.” Tokiya squeezes Ren’s hand. “I should do it.”

Ren just hums, getting up. 

“Ren-” Tokiya’s reaches out, but Ren is slick with turning his hand, squeezing Tokiya’s hand and then pulling away. 

“It’s too late.” Ren teases. “I’m already up. So you just lay there.” Ren stops, passing the other side of the bed, to kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “Besides- You did most of the work, anyways.”

“I don’t know about that.” Tokiya mumbles, though when Ren heads to the bathroom, Tokiya can’t bring himself to sit up.

Ren comes out with a wet rag and a clean stomach, but he goes to clean Tokiya’s hand and stomach. He discards of the condom before he finishes cleaning Tokiya up, and then gets rid of the rag. When he comes back, he tucks Tokiya in, but Tokiya holds out his hand, beckoning to Ren- which gets a fond smile on Ren’s face. “You’re adorable, baby.” Ren’s voice is a bit less teasing than Tokiya had expected, and that makes Tokiya go a bit red.

Tokiya had, admittedly, gotten pretty sleepy while he waited for Ren to come back from the bathroom, and Ren had been so gentle with cleaning him off that it only made it worse. 

“I’m going to be right back.” Ren promises, taking Tokiya’s hand to kiss the back of it. “I’m just going to turn off the lights and then I’ll get into bed.”

Tokiya gives an over dramatic sigh as Ren pulls his hand away, but Ren’s chuckle was still a nice sound. Tokiya closes his eyes before the lights are even off, but he’s pressing himself against Ren as soon as Ren is back in the bed. Ren is the one to wrap his arms around Tokiya tonight. 

“You did so good.” Ren compliments, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “You were everything I could have hoped for and then some.”

“You were so pretty tonight, Ren.” Tokiya hums tiredly, moving even closer to Ren. “I’m only sorry that it took so long.”

“Baby, that was more than worth the wait.”


End file.
